On being a Millennial Mother

I just got off the phone with a friend who asked why I wasn't in bed yet. I have been trying to build a habit of going to sleep in a timely fashion but tonight has been a failure, between a restless mind and a kid who refuses to stay in his bed. I explained that I was trying to write but it felt like I was experiencing a block. I went on to explain that talking through writer's blocks often helps me through them. In talking about this, I realized I wasn't exactly experiencing a writer's block. I was terrified to really share my thoughts on the most recent episode of my podcast - Between Two Worlds with Dr. Phebe. Why you may ask? Because it is the first episode I have had with my son, Kwame.

Phebe and Kwame (3 months old)

My journey to motherhood began years before the mantle of motherhood was placed on me. It started with a decision to NOT be a mother. The thought of a human being growing inside me sent shivers down my spine. But when a doctor told me I wouldn't be able to have children naturally and would likely need assistance due to my then diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), now known as Polyendocrine Metabolic Ovarian Syndrome (PMOS), I made it my mission to actually make motherhood happen. I spent many years working in childcare as a Sunday School teacher, nanny, camp counselor and the occasional semi-rich Auntie for some of the children in my life. I became a Child and Family Counselor right after graduate school and spent a fair amount of time decimating other people's children in games of Twister and Uno, under the guise of teaching social and emotional regulation skills. Trust me, it worked! My journey was underway, but I was only a passenger at that time. Not the driver I would end up becoming when Kwame arrived in 2018.

Kwame reminds me very often, usually after a treat or the purchase of a plushie or flag he really wanted, that I am "the best mom ever!" I have come to cherish these words and in receiving this gift from him, I have also learned the following about motherhood:

• The kids are always watching: We truly are their first teachers. I cannot stress this enough. Kwame has mentioned things that I have done that I didn't realize he was paying attention to. I used to teach the parents of my child clients that they cannot expect their children to stop yelling when they are yelling at the same time. I still remember the looks on some of their faces because my utterance seemed so basic. But if we are expecting our children to manage their emotions and behaviors, we really have to show them how it is done. I was frustrated on a Costco trip when he was much younger and unconsciously grunted. Little Kwame looked me in the face and said "Mom you need to take a chill pill." I glared at him for a moment and had to soften my gaze immediately because first of all, how dare you? But also, wow! He had heard me use those words and was now applying them appropriately to me.

• Your inner child will show up in your parenting: I have been an avid therapy goer for years for the mere reason that I want to be the best parent I can be for my children. In doing this work, I have learnt that the ways in which I was parented have been the backdrop for how I view parenting. Additionally, the little girl inside me who received said parenting, has continued to carry some wounds that need tending. When I look at Kwame and my two other sons, Kweku and Kobby, I see so much of myself in them. I see my curiosity, my playfulness, my impatience, my humor and my sensitivity. I have also learned that this little girl sometimes wants to take over and stands the risk of having a meltdown. But because I have been tending to her for a few years, when she shows up, I know how to sooth her and remind her that adult Phebe is now in charge, so she doesn't need to throw a tantrum. Adult Phebe is able to take a deep breath before yelling downstairs that we are running late. Adult Phebe is able to walk away before knocking over all the Lego because the boys weren't listening when I asked them to clean up. But little Phebe also shows up when I chase the boys around the house. She is required to show up when we play pretend. She has a seat at the table when we gather to talk about our imaginary friends.

There are so many other lessons I have learned about motherhood but I will leave you with these two and will come back with a few more as I learn. I had the best time talking to Kwame on the podcast and I hope you will enjoy our conversation too. Check out the video on YouTube and let me know what you think too!