“No, I Don’t Want to Be a Doctor or Engineer.”

A love letter to immigrant kids chasing purpose… and the parents trying not to panic

There is a very specific silence that happens in immigrant households when a child says:

“I want to be an artist.” It is not a loud silence. It can feel like a dangerous silence. The kind where your parent blinks slowly like their soul just left their body for a quick prayer meeting. My heart was in my but during this silence. Then comes the follow-up interrogation:

“Artist? You mean architect?”“No.”“Art teacher?”“No.”“So… suffering?”  

If you’re an immigrant child, you already know this conversation. Some of you lived it. Some of you are STILL living it at age 37 with two degrees and a mortgage. And if you’re an immigrant parent reading this? Please stay with me. Nobody is attacking your dreams for your children. We’re just unpacking the emotional suitcase that got dragged across oceans and accidentally handed down to the next generation.

Welcome to Between Two Worlds with Dr. Phebe, where we lovingly discuss the family conversations that usually end with somebody saying:

“After everything I sacrificed for you…”

The Immigrant Career Starter Pack

Every immigrant child grew up understanding one thing: Career day was not about dreams. It was about survival. While other kids were saying:

• “I want to be a marine biologist!”

• “I want to be a YouTuber!”

• “I want to train dolphins!”

Immigrant kids were over there choosing between:

• Doctor

• Engineer

• Pharmacist

• “Please don’t embarrass this family”  

There wasn't necessarily room for “finding yourself.” Your parents were trying to make sure you could afford groceries and maybe send money back home to the rest of the family. And honestly? That context matters.

Let’s Decode What’s Actually Happening

Because contrary to popular belief, many immigrant parents are not obsessed with titles because they’re shallow. They’re obsessed with safety.

To many immigrant parents:

• Doctor = stable

• Engineer = respected

• Lawyer = secure

• Entrepreneur = please sit down

• Content creator = absolutely not

• Therapist = “So you listen to people cry all day?”

(Ask me how I know.....)

The pressure often isn’t coming from arrogance. It’s actually coming from memory. Memory of unstable economies. Memory of watching educated people struggle. Memory of survival without safety nets and everything that comes with it. So when their child says: “I want to be a writer.”

What they hear is: “Mother, I have chosen financial turbulence.”

The Trauma Behind the Pressure

This is the part many people miss. A lot of immigrant parenting is fear wearing a business casual outfit. Think early to mid 2000's in the club with a pencil skirt and some fierce pumps. Fear that you will struggle. Fear that their sacrifices won’t “work.” Fear that one wrong career move will undo generations of effort. So yes, sometimes the pressure comes out sideways in the form of comparison, criticism, guilt and statements like “your cousin is already applying to med school”

Classic immigrant cardio. But underneath all of it is usually one question: “Will my child be okay?”

But Here’s Where the Generational Clash Happens…

Many immigrant parents were raised asking: “What career guarantees survival?”

Their children are asking: “What life actually fits who I am?”  

And those are VERY different questions. This generation wants: fulfillment, alignment, flexibility, creativity, purpose, mental peace and work-life balance.

Meanwhile some immigrant parents hear “work-life balance” and immediately assume unemployment is around the corner. Because they came from generations where rest was earned through exhaustion, not prioritized as wellness.

The Quiet Truth Nobody Says Out Loud

Some immigrant children became doctors because they genuinely loved medicine.

And some became doctors because they wanted approval.  Some became engineers to keep the peace. Some became lawyers because disappointment felt heavier than debt.Some are wildly successful on paper and deeply disconnected from themselves in private. And some walked away from the “safe path” and got labeled:

• rebellious

• Westernized

• dramatic

• ungrateful

But let me say this clearly for the people in the back and the aunties monitoring the family WhatsApp:

Gratitude does not require self-erasure.

You can honor your parents’ sacrifices WITHOUT abandoning your identity.

That is the bridge and your girl has been standing on it, 10 toes down!

To the Immigrant Kids in Their 20s, 30s, 40s…

Some of you are still trying to get permission to become yourselves. Some of you built entire lives around being “the good child.” The achiever. The stable one. The pride of the family. And now you’re waking up asking: “Wait… what do I actually want?”

That question is not selfish. It’s human. And honestly? Many immigrant parents secretly wish they had the freedom to ask themselves that same question when they were younger. I promise, Mama Ceci confirmed this!

To the Parents Reading This…

Your child choosing differently is not a rejection of your sacrifice.

It may actually be evidence that your sacrifice worked.

You didn’t leave everything behind just so your children could survive.

You wanted them to have options.

And sometimes the biggest cultural adjustment is realizing that safety can look different in this generation.

A therapist can be stable.An artist can thrive.A business owner can build wealth.A creator can build legacy.

The world your children are growing up in is not the same world you escaped.

The Bridge the Gap Tip

Here’s what I tell immigrant children all the time:

Translate your dreams into a language your parents understand.

Not: “You just don’t get it.”

Try:

• “Here’s my plan.”

• “Here’s the income potential.”

• “Here’s how I’ll support myself.”

• “Here’s what success looks like in this field.”  

Immigrant parents may not always understand creativity…but they deeply respect preparation.

And parents? Ask your children: “What does success mean to you?”

Then try listening without preparing a counterargument and a comparison to someone’s cousin.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, most immigrant families are asking the same thing in different accents and tones: Parents are asking: “Will you be safe?” Children are asking: “Will you still love me if I choose differently?”

And somewhere between fear, ambition, sacrifice, and identity…a bridge gets built.

Slowly.Awkwardly.Usually over food.

Come hear me and Mama Ceci talk about my non-traditional career and how we managed that on today's episode - Doctor, Engineer, or Disappointment.

Now Streaming!