Am I Ungrateful for Going to Therapy?

“Or: why your healing journey is not a family betrayal (even if your mama thinks it is)

Let’s start with a question that has been whispered in therapy rooms, group chats, and over plates of jollof rice:

“Am I ungrateful for going to therapy?”

If you’re an immigrant child like me, you already know this isn’t just a question. It’s a full-blown internal courtroom. On one side:Your parents’ sacrifices. Their sleepless nights. Their “I left everything for you” speech.

On the other side:Your anxiety. Your burnout. Your quiet realization that something in you needs care, not just endurance.

And somewhere in the middle…there's YOU, trying to heal without feeling like a traitor. Or the family member who seems to "always bring the drama.'

The Moment Everything Got Awkward

I still remember telling my mom I was going to therapy.

She paused. Blinked. Looked at me like I had just announced I was moving to Mars.

Then she said: “But I listen to you all the time. Why do you need to PAY someone to talk to you?”  

That was a valid question, honestly. But also, had she forgotten that this was also how I made my living?

And then came the follow-up (because immigrant moms never stop at one question):

“Is your therapist Christian?” Of course. Because if you’re going to unpack trauma, you might as well do it with Jesus present.

And listen… my mom did listen to me growing up. Right after telling me to stop talking so much and pray. Which, to be fair, has healed many things, just not all things. I was the child with the active imagination and big feelings and someone had to listen to me.

When Therapy Feels Like Betrayal

Let’s name the tension clearly:

For many immigrant parents, therapy doesn’t register as self-care. It registers as accusation.

They hear:

“I’m going to therapy”… and translate it into… “You failed me as a parent.”

Which is not what you said. But emotionally? That’s what it feels like to them. Never mind that you may be going to therapy for some work-related stress, and not them directly. Or maybe those are all connected?

Because in their world, love looked like:

• Providing

• Protecting

• Pushing you to succeed

So if you still need therapy after all that? It can feel like their best wasn’t enough.

The Three Layers Nobody Talks About

Here's how I address this in session:

1. Survival vs. Healing

Your parents survived. War. Poverty. Migration. Loss. Systems not built for them. They didn’t have time to process trauma. They had to outrun it in many different ways.

You? You’re the first generation with enough stability to turn around and look at it. So no, you’re not ungrateful. You’re doing the emotional work they never had the space, resources or capacity to do.  

2. “I Gave You Everything” Guilt

Ah yes. The classic! The unspoken contract: “After everything I sacrificed, you should be okay.”

But therapy is not a complaint. It’s maintenance. You don’t take your car to the shop because you hate Toyota. You take it because you want it to run well for a long time. Same thing here. Now you may be living on the wild side and rolling around town with several lights on your dashboard, but that's not what we are here for. You’re not rejecting your upbringing. You’re tuning your engine.

They truly may have given you everything but your parents are not perfect and your going to therapy is not a direct reflection of this.

3. The Loyalty Struggle

This one? This is the heavy one. Because therapy often requires you to say things you were raised never to say, such as:

• “My childhood wasn’t emotionally safe.”

• “I never learned how to rest without guilt.”

• “I love my family… but they hurt me.”  

And that can feel like betrayal. But hear me clearly: Truth-telling is not disloyalty.
It’s the beginning of generational repair. Healing does not happen in silence.

The Plot Twist (That Nobody Sees Coming)

Let me tell you how I knew therapy wasn’t just helping me… it was working. There was a moment where I didn’t react to something that normally would’ve sent me into a spiral. My mom noticed.

She asked, “Why are you so calm?” And I told her: therapy. Cue the side-eye. Bring in the “you’re telling strangers our business?” speech. But she watched the change, patience, emotional regulation and the peace. And years later? She said something I will never forget:

“Phebe… I think I need to talk to a therapist.”  That right there? That’s the long game. Our immigrant parents recognizing that they too deserve support and a listening ear.

Bridge the Gap (Without Starting a Family War)

If you take nothing else from this, take this:

Don’t tell your parents what they did wrong.

Show them what therapy is doing right.

Instead of:

• “You messed me up so I had to go to therapy.”

Try:

• “Therapy is helping me be more patient.”

• “I’m learning how to manage stress better.”

• “I think you’d actually be proud of the person I’m becoming.”

Immigrant parents don’t respond to blame. They respond to results and dear friend, once they see the results, they really are in!

Let’s Be Very Clear

You are not ungrateful. You are:

• The cycle breaker

• The emotional translator

• The one doing the internal work your family never had language for

And yes… that might make you:

• “Too Western”

• “Too sensitive”

• “The soft one”

Wear it anyway. Truthfully, softness, in a lineage built on survival, is not weakness. It is actually evolution when you think deeply enough about it.

Final Word

Your parents built the foundation. You’re doing the renovation. Both matter. And sometimes…the greatest form of gratitude is not staying silent. It’s healing loudly enough that the next generation doesn’t have to whisper. Mama Ceci and I did everything but whisper in this week's episode - Therapy is Not a Betrayal.

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P.S. May is MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH. So go talk to the lady!