I love you, but I don't know how to say it...

When love speaks in accents, actions, and unanswered texts

Picture this. I am 18 years old, by American definition, a whole adult, and that is the first time I recall hearing my mother say the words "I love you." Now if you'd asked me back then, I would absolutely without a doubt agree that my mother loved me. I just wasn't sure. It felt like she loved me in the way that parents are supposed to love me.

There’s a very specific kind of heartbreak that doesn’t look like heartbreak.

It looks like a full plate of jollof rice or pancit you didn’t ask for. A phone call that starts with, “Have you eaten today?” A warning to wear a sweater when it’s 68 degrees.

And somehow… never hearing the words “I love you.”

Welcome to the emotional crossword puzzle of immigrant families

This week on Between Two Worlds with Dr. Phebe, we stepped into a truth that quietly shapes so many of our lives:

Maybe they did love you deeply.They just didn’t have the language to say it.  

Growing up, love didn’t sound like affection.It sounded like logistics.

• “Call me when you get there.”

• “Who is driving?”

• “Did you eat?”

And if you ever dared to ask, “Why don’t you say you love me?”, you might’ve gotten a response that felt… confusing at best:

“After all I have done for you, you want English words?”  

Translation:“I have been loving you loudly this whole time. You just don’t recognize the dialect.”

The Origin Story: Love Without Language

Many immigrant parents were raised in environments where survival was the priority, not emotional expression. The emotions were there, but the language was not a priority.

No one was sitting around saying:

• “Tell me how that made you feel.”

• “I’m proud of your emotional growth.”

Love in my case looked like:

• Sacrifice - My mom did not pursue any endeavors (e.g. her education) that would take her away from us from long periods of time.

• Provision - My parents paid for me to attend college in the U.S.

  
  

Softness? That was a luxury. Vulnerability? Very risky business!

So when you ask for verbal affection now, it’s not just unfamiliar…It can feel like asking them to step onto emotional ice they were never taught to walk on. And that can be very scary. You should have seen my mom's reaction the first time I asked her to walk outside in the snow!

Two Love Languages, No Translator

Here’s the tension:

Parents’ mindset:“If I left my entire country for you, what more proof do you need?”

Children’s reality:“Honestly… a hug would be great.”

And just like that, you have two people who love each other deeply…standing on opposite sides of an emotional canyon. No villain. Just different fluencies. And this is where I show up as your Professional Translator.

Why It Feels So Personal

Let’s name the deeper layer.

Many immigrant parents struggle with emotional expression not because they lack love…but because they lack practice.

They were never taught:

• How to name emotions

• How to express them safely

• How to be vulnerable without losing authority

In some cultures, saying:

• “I love you”

• “I’m proud of you”

• “I’m sorry”

felt like lowering a shield they’ve carried their entire lives. These shields weren't optional for our parents. They also acted as survival gear. So how dare we expect them to just dropped the very things that saw them through life.

Meanwhile, You Grew Up Overseas…

You were raised in a culture that says: use your words, name your feelings and communicate directly. So now you’re asking for something they were never given.

And that gap? That’s where resentment quietly sets up camp. But also, that’s where healing can begin.

Bridging the Gap (Without Losing Yourself)

Here’s the reframe that changes everything:

If you’re the child:

Start noticing how your parent already says “I love you.”

It might look like:

• Food that appears out of nowhere

• Money sent at the perfect (or inconvenient) time

• Worry disguised as interrogation

• Sacrifice that was never announced

Their love is not absent. It’s just heavily accented and I hope we can take a moment to hear it.

If you’re the parent:

Try one small sentence this week. Not a speech. Not a TED Talk. Not a lecture.

Just:

• “I’m proud of you.”

• “I’m glad you’re my child.”

• “I love you.”

It might feel awkward but say it anyway. Emotional fluency is like a muscle. You not using it does not mean it is unavailable.

The Truth That Softens Everything

Your parents may never love you in the Instagram-caption way. But they crossed oceans for you. And now? You’re crossing emotional oceans for them.

That is what bridging looks like. Messy. Brave. Generational.

Final Thought

Love in immigrant families is rarely missing. It’s just multilingual and very present. The great thing for people like me who are fluent in more than one language is the fact that we have been doing this for so long!

Sometimes it’s spoken in sacrifice. Sometimes in silence. Sometimes in a plastic-covered couch that no one is allowed to sit on. And sometimes, if you’re lucky and a little patient, it learns a new word.

Oh and I was definitely wrong about the first time my mom said "I love you" to me. Find out when she actually said it by tuning in to this week's episode - Love, But Make it Silent.

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