Fluent in Three Languages and Emotional Suppression: The Identity Crisis We Don’t Talk About

Urmi during a conversation with Dr. Phebe

What language do you dream in? It’s a strange question, but stay with me.

For many immigrants and children of immigrants, the answer isn’t simple. Maybe you speak one language with your parents, another at work, and a completely different one with your closest friends. Maybe you switch accents without even realizing it. Maybe you’ve become so good at reading the room that you instinctively know which version of yourself to bring into every conversation. And maybe… you’re exhausted. I know I am!

In my latest podcast episode, I sat down with author, speaker, finance professional, and Stories Beyond Borders host Urmi Hossain to talk about identity, belonging, and what it means to spend years adapting to everyone else’s expectations before asking yourself one important question:

Who am I when I’m not trying to fit in?

The Unspoken Skill Every Immigrant Child Learns

Most immigrant children become experts at adaptation before they become experts at self-discovery. We learn to translate. Not just languages.

Emotions.

Cultures.

Humor.

Expectations.

We know what to wear depending on where we’re going. We know which topics are “safe” to bring up at home. We know when to bite our tongue, when to smile politely, and when to pretend something doesn’t bother us. If you're like me, you've also learned when to stare in silence.

Somewhere along the way, adaptability becomes our superpower. It also becomes our survival strategy. The problem is that survival strategies don’t always know when to retire. They work overtime sometimes and can't even imagine taking ac break.

Success Isn’t the Same Thing as Knowing Yourself

One of my favorite parts of our conversation was talking about the immigrant blueprint.

Go to school.

Get the degree.

Find a stable career.

Make your family proud.

For many of us, that blueprint works. We achieve the goals. We collect the diplomas. We build successful careers. And then one day, usually much later than we’d like to admit, we find ourselves wondering: “I did everything I was supposed to do… so why do I still feel disconnected from myself?”

As a therapist, I’ve seen this countless times. High-achieving professionals who look incredibly successful from the outside but quietly admit that they don’t know what they actually want because they’ve spent decades meeting everyone else’s expectations. Achievement is wonderful.

It just can’t answer questions that only identity can answer.

The Emotional Cost of Being “Easy”

Many immigrant daughters become the dependable one.

The responsible one.

The helper.

The peacekeeper.

The one who doesn’t make life harder for everyone else.

We become so good at taking care of other people that choosing ourselves starts to feel selfish.

It isn’t. Choosing yourself doesn’t mean you’ve stopped loving your family. It means you’re finally including yourself in the list of people who deserve your care. That’s a lesson many of us are still learning. Myself included. My heart still race when I imagine moments of choosing myself or putting my needs first. It doesn't stop me. But I think it's worth acknowledging.

Home Isn’t Always a Place

One question I asked Urmi was whether she felt like different languages brought out different versions of her personality. It’s fascinating how many people experience this.

You laugh differently. You express affection differently. You even think differently.

Sometimes “home” isn’t tied to a country at all.

Sometimes home is the place where you don’t have to edit yourself.

Where you don’t have to explain why you pronounce your name a certain way.

Where no one asks, “Where are you really from?”

Where you can exist without constantly translating who you are.

That’s the kind of belonging so many of us are searching for.

Self-Love Isn’t an Instagram Quote

Social media has made self-love look incredibly aesthetic - Candles. Bubble baths. Solo vacations.

And while all of those things can be lovely, real self-love often looks much less glamorous.

It looks like saying no.

Having difficult conversations.

Disappointing people.

Letting go of guilt that never belonged to you in the first place.

It’s deciding that your worth isn’t measured solely by what you produce, provide, or sacrifice.

That’s harder than buying a face mask. But it’s also infinitely more healing. It is one of the continuous committments I have made to myself and constantly invite my village into.

The Most Immigrant Thing About You

I ended the episode by asking Urmi one of my favorite questions:

“What’s the most immigrant thing about you that no amount of professional success has erased?”

I smiled as she answered because we all have something. Maybe you still pack enough food for a three-hour trip. Maybe you instinctively save plastic containers because “they’re still good.”

Maybe you still hear your parents’ voices in your head when you’re making a big life decision.

These aren’t just habits.

They’re reminders of where we came from.

Of the people who shaped us.

Of the sacrifices that brought us here.

We don’t have to erase those parts of ourselves to grow.

We can honor our roots while still giving ourselves permission to branch out.

Before You Go…

If you’ve ever felt caught between cultures, between expectations, or between the person your family hoped you’d become and the person you’re still discovering, I hope this episode reminds you that you’re not alone.

You don’t have to choose between your heritage and your healing.

You don’t have to choose between honoring your parents and honoring yourself.

And you certainly don’t have to have it all figured out.

Identity isn’t a destination.

It’s a lifelong conversation.

I’m so grateful that Urmi joined me for this one, and I hope you’ll listen with an open heart. You may just hear your own story somewhere in ours. Learn more about Urmi here.

I’d love to hear from you.

When do you feel most like yourself?

Come share your thoughts with me on Instagram or leave a review after listening to the episode. These conversations are richer because of this community, and I’m grateful you’re here.

Watch the latest episode on Youtube or listen on your usual podcast platforms!